Forgotten Beatitudes

1.  The Gays, as a people, apparently do not watch Kevin Smith movies such as Clerks or Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

2.  Wine consumption should be measured in glasses, not bottles.

3.  Missie B’s has changed utterly and while some of The Gays only go to gay bars, I seem to be only interested in going to straight bars, providing yet more evidence that I’m not very good at being homosexual.

4.  Drunk people should under no circumstances give directions to strangers.

5.  If there’s a line at a club, there’s almost certainly far more people inside than are strictly necessary.

6.  There’s a fine line between “a group of sweet children, trick or treating” and a gang.

7.  Halloween is like Day of the Dead in that if you turn on a porch light, groups of trick-or-treaters will appear out of thin air and start lumbering uncertainly towards your house.

8.  If you want to turn away trick-or-treaters, nothing makes a family u-turn faster than having a Spartan, a drunk-ass soccer-player with thigh high socks and a drag version of Brit-Brit walk out your front door.

9.  Dancing + sweaters is not a good thing.

10.  If someone says “taco bell” at least three time during the course of an evening and you’ve had even just one drink, you are going to end up with that nasty shit in your mouth before bedtime and pay for it the morning after.

11.  Just like Matt (who’s incidentally younger than me, but as good a Jay as a strawberry blond Aphrodite-wig with a general thuggish look can make him), I’m definitely getting too old for this shit.