Forgotten Beatitudes

Tired of all those Jack Chick tracts?  Looking for something different, perhaps something in a coloring book for all the wayward children in your life who have an unreasonable fear of guns?  Possibly something Jewish?

Well good news then, because Brasco and his gun-loving band of Brasco Buddies from Jews For The Preservation of Firearms Ownership, Inc. is not just The Chosen Bear with The Chosen Gun for The Chosen People anymore!

Seriously, though, everyone on my list is getting a copy from me this year, neatly bundled with red, white and blue crayons.  How can you beat an infantilized bear cheerily chirping through the alphabet about the joy of guns and the evilness of people who want to take them away from you so you DIE!!!

Case in point:  “K is for ‘Gun Control’ Kills Kids – Evil politicians have passed laws that make schools unsafe.  Your parents are not allowed to carry a gun near a school to protect you from bad people.  This bad law makes in possible for bad people to hurt or even kill you.  Some government officials and evil politicians really like this law.”

Yes, children, that’s right.  Here in America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, people who disagree with you about guns are not just expressing a difference of opinion, they’re actually EVIL and WANT you to DIE.  Because on the correct opinions are deserving of “freedom”, right?

I’m going to let go the shattering of the prime rule of trite children’s book alphabet lists (K is for “Gun Control”…bitch, please) because the rest of the coloring book is so mind-shatteringly hilarious that…well, when one is given an awesome gift, it seems rather ungrateful to complain about the wrapping.

I think my favorite one, though, would be:  “J is for Japanese – The Japanese government, with the help of bad people in America, want to take away your right to own and enjoy guns.  They tell people that America should be more like Japan, where the people can’t own guns.  They don’t tell people that in Japan, people can be held in prison without food and water until they confess to crimes they didn’t commit.”

Now, my first thought was, “Oh hell no, the Jewish Bear didn’t just get all racial up on Japanese in this piece.”  I kept on reading though, and luckily, found this at R:  “R is for Racism – Brasco Buddies do not support racism.  Racism means not liking someone because of the color of their skin, or the country they came from.  In America, “Gun Control” laws were started to prevent black people from owning guns.  “Gun Control” is racist and people who support “Gun Control” must be told that they support racist policies.  Good people are not racist.  Ask your parents to read the Gran’pa Jack booklet ” ‘Gun Control’ Is Racist.”

See, the Jewish Bear isn’t racist…unless you’re a member of the Japanese Government.  And who doesn’t love a precocious little child telling them that the Jewish Bear told them that they support racist policies because they aren’t quite sure why private citizens have a need for ammunition that can blast through three or four walls and still deliver a killing shot?

Just one more and then I’ll let you go download the PDF and thrill to the simple, home-spun wisdom of Brasco and wish that there had been Brasco Buddies when you were growing up:  “U is for (wait for it…because you knew it was coming somewhere in all this trash) United Nations – The United Nations is a very bad organization made up of foreign countries who do not want you to be free.  The United  Nations doesn’t like your Bill of Rights, and they are trying to destroy freedom in America.  Brasco Buddies are smart and they don’t believe the lies of the United Nations.  If you believe the things the United Nations tells you, you will never know the fun of a gun.”

Let me repeat that last sentence, because it really just sums up all the jingoistic paranoia contained in these 24 pages of sublime wing-nuttery:  If you believe the things the United Nations tells you, you will never know the fun of a gun.

No, perhaps I won’t, but I will know the fun of laughing at a coloring book that has to put the trademark symbol after Brasco and Brasco Buddies while espousing how guns keep freedom alive…so long as you don’t try and profit off of someone else’s hilarious little hate monger.